Author · Spotlight/Interview

Book Extract: A Journey of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 9)

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Today on The Tattooed Book Geek I am pleased to be bringing you all an extract from: A Journey of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 9) by Ichabod Temperance.

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“I say, this fantastic craft you have built has transported us to a new world, Mr. Temperance, eh hem?”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am! Gosh, we find ourselves among many mythological beasts of outrageous legend. It would take three of me to make just one of the dwarves that live around here.”

“Yes, quite, and I find that there is no shortage of troll, gremlin, or magical creature to assail us in our destined quest.”

“You sure are right about that, Ma’am. In fact, I think we have gotten embroiled in a sweeping, high fantasy saga of epic proportions!”


A Journey of Temperance Extract 1:

Hey, give me back my hat! I bought that derby in London and it means a lot to me! Ouch, gee, not so rough, y’all!”

Here, on a chain, is a similar device of the other creature; what the peculiar monster designated as a ‘watch’. This, though, is not constructed of precious gold, but is made from more base metals. It is, however, equally remarkable in its construction. His pockets reveal a hanky, string, glass marble, button, wire, pecans, bird egg, steel wool, screw, small lens, a pink, fruit scented chewable substance, and this.”

Kiss My Axe, what is this device, halflet?”

It’s a combination can opener, fingernail clipper, and potato peeler.”

I am impressed by this device, halflet. What did thee say thy name were?”

My name is Ichabod Temperance, Mr. Strongenfight, sir. Hey! Well, I reckon you boys are wanting to see what I’ve got in my utility belt too, hunh?”

What are these contents?”

The halflet’s belt has a sheath for carrying a vessel of water. He possesses a coiled length of thin rope. Here is a compartment for carrying food. It contains half of a sandwich. Here is a compartment with rudimentary healing supplies. Another with candles and matches. This compartment contains… hunh! Strongenfight, he carries priestly sacraments!”

What? You’re right! Chisels, picks, and files! Wrenches and pliers! You murderous little robber! You must have struck down a mighty dwarf priest to attain these holy relics!”

Nossir, it ain’t true! Them tools are mine! I bought ‘em with my own money!”

What dost the creature have in its purse?”

That ain’t no purse, it’s a haversack, y’all.”

Let us see what is in the bag. Hunh! Magics! Dwarf magics! Gears, valves, and couplets. What’s this? Springs! Ichs of the Bods, thou art a dwarf!”

Dwarf!”

I ain’t, neither!”

Ichs of the Bods, you must be a great dwarf wizard! We must hurry and present you to our king! Let us hurry these creatures back to our beloved Duunnejonia!”

Duunnejonia!”

I say, it would appear we are suddenly caught up in a rapid, forced march, yes? These stout dwarves are certainly adept at sweeping over this rugged terrain, eh hem?”

Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am. I reckon the measured cadence of their marching song helps them to maintain this outrageous pace.”

Fee-fie, ~ Fee-foe,

to Duunnejonia we go.

Out of the sun’s unending light,

to our beloved city of eternal night.

Fee-fie, ~ fee-fie, fee-fie, fee-foe!

I must admit, the tune does get into one’s bones, does it not, eh hem?”

Yes, Ma’am. Maybe we ought to join in on this next chorus:”

Fee-fie, ~ fie-foe,

being underground makes our hearts glow.

Our dwarvish city carved out by pick

Chisel and hammer will give it a lick.

Fee-fie, ~ fee-fie, fee-fie, fee-foe!

Blast it, Temperance, must you whistle along with these horrid fellows and assumed women? Harumph, ‘fee fie’, indeed. Why that’s just nonsense! This little tune should go like this:”

Buy low, ~ sell high

That’s where the profits lie.

While the suckers are all throwing fits,

I scoop scads of cash into my mitts.

Buy low, ~ buy low, buy low, sell high!

Uh, I think you’re losing the spirit of this little song there, Mr. Morganstern, sir.”

Fee-fie, ~ fie-foe.

to Duunnejonia we go.

Under mountains, in tunnel and mine,

tons of rock overhead, is mighty fine.

Fee-fie, ~ fee-fie, fee-fie, fee-foe!

midicky

A Journey of Temperance Extract 2:

Devious and sly,

phony musical symph,

oh, dangerous and beautiful sight.

Strangers fall, by and by,

for the enchanting nymph,

beware the charms of a woodland sprite.

-From the Epoch of Enauck

~boin-gy~ ~boin-gy~ ~boin-gy~

Oh, golly, this ain’t no good. I can’t be bouncing up and down by my snared ankle, I’ve got to find Miss Plumtartt. Hanging here upside-down ain’t no good at all. I need to get down out of this tree-sprung, foot noose. Hey, I see movement. Someone’s coming this way. Oh my Goodness, it’s three beautiful girls!”

Howdy, Ladies, y’all be careful, these here woods are full of traps! Speaking of which would y’all mind helping me down?”

Gwendolyn, darling, you have caught a rabbit, in your snare.”

Indeed, Vicki, dear. It is a rather pathetic little excuse for a rabbit. T’is hardly worth eating. Should we release it back into the wild, until it comes to full maturity?”

Oh, but sister Nubielle, this is such a peculiar little rabbit. It speaks!”

Yes, Gwendolyn GoodShrubbs, this is an oddity. Let us take our catch to our private glade.”

What are you doing? Hey, why are you tying my hands together? It will be hard to catch myself when you cut that vine what holds me… oof! …up. Yeah, like that. Hey, why are you tying my feet together? Oh, I see. It’s so you can run a pole between them and tote me on it. Hey! You ain’t gotta do that! I can walk just fine! You girls in your short little buckskin skirts ain’t got to carry me.”

Silence, little rabbit. Here is a carrot to munch on.”

rrhom, nrrohm rrranks, rrRa’am!”

Vicki Evervixen, start the fire.”

Yes, Nubielle Clearbelle, I shall have the water hot in a short time!”

Come, Gwendolyn, help me to prepare our little male.”

Yes, Nubielle!”

Thank you, my dear. Tell me, halflet, you’re not scared, are you?”

No Ma’am, y’all seem like some nice girls!”

Oh, yes, we are nice girls, indeed.”

Tee, hee, yes, nice!”

And hungry!”

Shh! Never mind that, my sweet and tender little halflet. You don’t mind if we help you to be comfortable, do you?”

Um, I reckon not, Ma’am.”

Oh that is good. Gwendolyn, be a dear and help our guest with his footwear.”

Yes!”

That ain’t necessa…”

I shall help the halflet with his shirt.”

Hey! Okay, okay, I’m comfortable already!”

You’ll be comfortable when I say you’re comfortable! That shirt is coming off! Gwenny, snatch its pants and anything else it might be wearing!”

Yes, Nubielle!”

Hey!”

Silence! I said to be comfortable!”

Yes, Ma’am, but y’all done snatched away all my clothes!”

Wash the halflet!”

Yes, Nubielle!”

Hey! What’s going on?!”

We want to make sure you are clean before we put you in the water.”

Woah! Miss Gwendolyn is being extra thorough in making sure I’m clean! Hey, that’s funny, y’all wanting to wash me up, before a bath.”

Bath? Ohhh, riiiight, a bath. How’s that water, Vicki? Is our little rabbit’s ‘bath’ ready?”

Throw him in, Nubielle!”

~splash!~

Hey, the water in this big, black kettle is just right! Thanks, ladies!”

We’re going to add these sliced carrots, celery, and onion to the water. It’s to, eh, soften your skin.”

Y’all are mighty considerate. What are y’all doing, now? Eek! You’re taking off those skimpy little dresses! I have to look away!”

Of course, little rabbit, we don’t want to frighten you. We will don something else. It only takes a moment to prepare. Here, let me put some more on you, Vicki.”

Let me put some of this on Gwenny.”

Let me apply some to Nubielle!”

Okay, halflet, you can look now.”

Gee, those are some skin tight outfits y’all girls got on! It looks like y’all ain’t wearing nothing but mud!”

On this count, you catch on quick, halflet. Now then, sisters, let us dance!”

I think this bath water is plenty hot now, y’all can turn down the flames. I know y’all are busy dancing around this here pot and campfire, but this here water is getting really hot!”

This homely runt,

not hard to dupe.

Easy to hunt,

instant soup.

We dress in mud,

and earthen skirt.

Our Hexes flood,

and bless this dirt.

Let nutrition be gained,

from nature’s halflet,

In the soup go the brains,

We’ll scrap over the calf, yet.

Were y’all saying grace? That’s good, cause I’m real hungry. Say, something smells good! Um, I think I’m ready to come out of this here water. It is really uncomfortable!”

Shhhh. Quiet, little rabbit. We wish for you to stay there until you are done.”

I’m done, I’m done! Turn around, don’t look. My skin is all pruney.”

You’ll stay in the pot, you silly rabbit. Tricks are for kids, baby goat.”

I ain’t tricking! I gotta get out of here!”

No!”

Quit pushing me back in! Bath-time is over!”

Stay in the water, you, halflet rabbit!”

Ow, ow, ow! It hurts! The water is too hot! Y’all quit pushing me back in! Y’all are being mean!”

Be silent! Verily, thou art as squirmy as any rabbit I have ever encountered!”

Ow, ow, ow!”


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“I say, this fantastic craft you have built has transported us to a new world, Mr. Temperance, eh hem?”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am! Gosh, we find ourselves among many mythological beasts of outrageous legend. It would take three of me to make just one of the dwarves that live around here.”

“Yes, quite, and I find that there is no shortage of troll, gremlin, or magical creature to assail us in our destined quest.”

“You sure are right about that, Ma’am. In fact, I think we have gotten embroiled in a sweeping, high fantasy saga of epic proportions!”


Purchase A Journey of Temperance:

Amazon UK  /  Amazon US


About the Author:

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Ichabod Temperance, Kitca the cat and Miss Persephone Plumtartt.

Standing over five feet, seven inches and weighing in at better than one hundred and thirty pounds, Ichabod Temperance is ‘The Alfalfa Male.’ After lengthy music, karate, and pro-wrestling careers, Ichabod’s involvment with movie stuntwork has led him to write these whimsical, steam-driven adventures. Mr. Temperance and his lovely muse, Miss Persephone Plumtartt, live in Irondale, Alabama, USA, along with their furry pack family.

Ichabod can be found:

Website  /  Twitter


Follow me on:

TwitterGoodreads, Blog Facebook, Personal Facebook.

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21 thoughts on “Book Extract: A Journey of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 9)

      1. I know right? It’s just not half as fun as it could be with her specific brand of awesome around… 🙂
        Hehehe… there’s a third Queen as well.. Waffles… or as I also like to think of her- Queen of Oneliners! 😀

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Lol, all these Queens but no ladies in sight, bwahahaha! 🙂

        Oh man, we can only imagine half of what Anne would be writing if she was around, we are all bad enough as it is but Anne was by far worse than us all! 🙂 (I mean worse in a good way)

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Gosh, I couldn’t agree with you more.. about the whole thing you said re ladies/queens and Anne… I loved her no filter approach, so I did… and I hope she will be back soon in full force when the baby sleeps! 😀

        Liked by 2 people

      1. Yes, Anne read on e of Icky’s books, too… Definitely humor and quite a light hearted reading… I think it’s one of those books (or series) that you either click with or not… In a way, if I had to compare Icky’s book to another reading experience, I would say, The Good Soldier Svjek, except of course, with different themes with same kind of absurdity! 🙂

        Liked by 3 people

    1. Hi Jackie!
      This is book nine of a ten book series. Each is a themed, stand-alone adventure. My ridiculous way of writing develops over the course of the books. You get used to the way I write after a few pages. It’s sort of like going to the primate house at the zoo. After a few minutes, you hardly notice the smell anymore.
      Happy Reading, girlie!
      Your pal,
      ~Icky. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

    1. Hey, it’s Lashaan! Thank you for reading the excerpts! {I don’t know why Drew calls them ‘extracts’…} I’m glad you found them interesting. and yes, thank you, Drew for sharing these, … ‘extracts’. 😉
      ~Icky. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

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