I’ve decided that I’m going to start charging for posts on my blog, I’m not getting any younger and I’ve realised that my blog is the golden goose, the cash cow just waiting to be tapped, not tapped like ‘tap that ass’ it’s a cow and bestiality is wrong!
I’m a reasonable guy and as such I’m prepared to offer a reasonable price for various blog posts and reviews on my book f’n blog.
For book excerpts, I feel that a charge of £10 is a fair price as long as you send all the information that I need (excerpt, cover, blurb, author picture, social media links, etc). If the excerpt is in PDF format then, unfortunately, it means that I will need to change it get it suitably formatted into a WordPress post. That is an undue hassle for me and so, a charge of an extra £10 will be required, after all, money = time!
For guest posts, same as book excerpts, a charge of £10.
For interviews, I have to take time out of reading to come up with questions so a charge of £20 seems fair as I’m missing out on reading to write you up some questions!
NOW!!! It is NOT my job or requirement as a blogger to obtain any of the following: book cover, blurb, purchase links, author picture, social media links, therefore! If you choose NOT to send those things with the excerpt, guest post or interview then an additional charge of £5 for each that you don’t send will be added to the overall charge, that isn’t me being money grabbing and trying to swindle you, not at all, that is me trying to help you out because once you have been charged with neglecting to send the relevant information you won’t forget to send it ever again!
Actually, that means I am helping the author out but also my fellow bloggers too! I charge the author for forgetting or just not being arsed then when they appear on your blog, they will remember to send you all the required bits for the post! Ergo, making both your life and drafting up the post easier! So, bloggers! That means I will require some money from you too! I think £5 is fair as think of all the time I will be saving you, I take one for the team and then we all win, winning!
I am currently closed to review requests yet you still choose to ignore that, can you say wasting my time! Sigh, I’m not made of money and time stops for no-one! So, if you send me a review request whilst I am closed to requests please ensure that you also send me the princely sum of £20! I think that is a valid amount for wasting my time! You obviously write, so you must be able to read yet you can’t seem to read four simple words ‘closed to review requests’ sigh!
If you choose to send me requests for reviews and to appear on my blog for books in genres that I do not read then you’d better get your chequebook out! A charge of £50 will be required as you should have read my review policy better, silly! If you are an author of ‘those‘ books with those ghastly covers of men with granite abs then there is no amount of money in the world that would make me have your book on my blog, hell no! Barf! Sickening, I’d be sick while drafting up the post and I’d rather not be ill than be getting some money, sorry bout your damn luck, find another blog, there are lots of strange people out there who like Studley’s on covers, go and pollute one of their blogs!
If you are an author of Dino Porn or Monster Erotica then you can appear on my blog for free! Yes, told you I am charitable, why free you might ask?!?!? Because it would be funny as fuck to have a book from that genre on my blog, funny as f-u-c-k!!!! 🙂
For reviews, I know £75 is the going rate, but…..I’m not that fucking cheap and I believe a small sum of £200 regardless of length or content is a fair and decent price to ask.
However, there will also be a surcharge! I like swearing, it’s fucking awesome and so, for every swear word that I use in the review I will charge an additional sum:
- Arse, Bloody and Tosser £0.50p
- Piss, Shit, Bollocks and Wanker £1.
- Bastard £2.
- Fuck, Fucking and Motherfucker £5.
- Cunt and Cunting £10.
Any other swear words that I choose to use will be free! Told you I’m fucking generous!!!
You might think that the £10 for the use of the word cunt/cunting is rather extortionate I disagree! You see, I like the word cunt, it amuses the fuck out of me to say cunt and see people cringe, cunting motherfucker is a wonderful term BUT! Lots of people don’t like cunt as a word, they find it horrible and moan about its usage, guess I’m just a cunt for liking to use cunt and they are cunts for disliking cunt! However, each time I use the word cunt I stand the chance of upsetting the PC brigade and facing the wrath of them getting their granny panties all in a twist of the use of such an offensive and deeming word as cunt! I know, right?! It’s a four letter fucking word, not the end of the cunting world! Hey ho, I don’t want to invoke their ire so I feel the £10 charge for each use of the word is fair as I will have to deal with the marauding horde of the PC brigade should they, in fact, take offence to me using the word cunt. You dear author won’t have to deal with a thing whereas I will need to mollify and make fucking apologies for offending anyone with delicate sensibilities!
Please note dear authors that while I fucking love fucking swearing and find it to be fucking wonderful I won’t go out of my fucking way to swear any more than is absolutely fucking necessary in any of my fucking reviews. That would be fucking cruel and I’m not a heartless fucking bastard out for all the fucking money that I can fucking get from fucking blogging so I wouldn’t fucking intentionally overcharge you by using more fucking swear words than absolutely cunting necessary to the post!
I’m also sarcastic and well, I can’t give that away for free now, can I??!?!? No, of course not, that would be like the Donald Trump saying ‘free healthcare for all’ or a prostitute spreading her legs and saying ‘take a ride, no charge’ it just doesn’t happen!!! Sorry to say, so, for each sarcastic comment that I make during the review I will have to charge you an additional £5, it’s not much, just a little extra for me including my personality into the review instead of being just boring and bland.
Publishers, you aren’t struggling indie authors and will have far more money than them, putting two and two together and coming up with four, not like some dumb cunt and guessing 69! That means you can afford to give me more money! So, for blog tours I will be charging £100 for a post regardless of what it is, seems fair to me! Also, an additional £10 for every bit of information that you neglect to fucking send, publicist, it’s your job to publicise so you should be sending all the required information with the post!
You might ask how I came up with these prices and the answer is, I just fucking did, OK??
I should note, that if anyone is a cunt and fucking annoys me then you will need to pay me an apology fee, I’d say £25 is a nice sum. I’m a sweet and innocent delicate flower and don’t want any hurtful, nasty or foul-fucking-mouthed comments that could cause me hurt and distress. If you insult me and my blog then that fee rises to £50, being annoying is one thing, being an insulting fuckwit is another thing entirely!
Finally, if I just don’t like you then you need to give me £100, that seems an adequate amount for me having to put up idiots!!!! 🙂
I think that with these prices I won’t really care what any of you think about me! You probably all hate me already anyway so it’s all good that I will be vilified by the blogging community and I shall soon be rolling in the cash regardless of your disdain and view!
What do you all think?? Am I charging too fucking much?? Not enough?? Just the fucking sweet spot right amount??
I’m hoping that none of you got this far and thought I was being serious!
It needs to be noted that most of you will have read this and will have realised that I am having a laugh and joking around simply due to the recent influx of bloggers charging for reviews! If however, any of you read this and think that I’m being serious then, well, you obviously haven’t read my blog before, I’m a sarcastic cunt at times and this is just me joking around, no offence is meant so don’t go getting your panties bunched up, an easy way to stop that happening is to not wear any panties you know, nudge nudge, wink wink! 😉 See – joking around as my blog is a place of anything goes fun and debauchery!
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