Cunt to right of me!
Cunt to left of me!
Cunt in front of me!
Oh, hello, I was just fouling up and changing some poetry, the classic The Charge of The Light Brigade poem by Tennyson. Only instead of the original canon, I was using cunt, sniggers. 🙂
Maybe authors would have been more appropriate for a book blogger and also a cleaner start to the post. Not that cunts aren’t clean of course, at least you hope they are as you don’t want to catch anything!
Author to right of me!
Author to left of me!
Author behind me!
Oh my! Why hello sailor! Sorry, I’m not that way inclined and unfortunately don’t want your book posting through my back door! Erm…..yeah, I just wrote that! I guess this isn’t going to be an overly serious post in tone! Let’s try that last line again!
Author on top of me!
Hello, ladies! 😉 Hhhmm, that’s not really any better is it?!? Sigh, the smut is out to play today! Let’s just stick to the last line of the ‘cunt‘ verse I think that’s safest.
Author in front of me!
Much better, no sexual connotations there!
Actually, I think Tennyson is a bit too mature and adult for me! Let’s unleash my inner toddler with an Old MacDonald parody!
Old MacDonald had a blog,
And on his blog, there was a blogger,
With a cunt fuck here,
And a cunt fuck there,
Here a cunt, there a fuck,
Everywhere a cunt fuck,
Old MacDonald had a blog,
Now wasn’t that better and far more related to blogging! Though, there are sadly some cunts around the world of blogging. Women are born with them. Add in that both men and women tend to be them on occasion too. See, I wasn’t being vulgar earlier, it is simply a fact of the world that there are cunts everywhere!
Right, back on track! Today I’m writing about authors and how they should act with bloggers in my own indomitable and unique way. For those unaware, that means swearing, sarcasm and politically incorrect debauchery.
Authors, you decide you want to promote yourself and your work, either a new book or an older book and decide that book bloggers are the way to go. A good choice, I applaud you for it as we are fucking awesome!
So, you decided on book bloggers, what next?!?
Choose the correct blogger for you.
I’m sure as an author that you all like to think that you and your work are different, bloggers are the same and we are all different too.
There are so many different blogs and bloggers out there don’t just pick the first blog you come across. Do some research and see if that blog and blogger are a fit for you and your work. Browse the wares, have a feel and a squeeze, check out the firmness and the merchandise. 😉
Once you’ve chosen a blog and blogger (yes, there’s a difference which I’ll get to later) check out the genres the blogger reviews, see if they are open to review requests, browse their blog and also see if you like their posting and reviewing style.
If you find a blog and blogger that aren’t for you then move on and find one that is. It’ll be beneficial to you. As readers, we can’t like all the books and as an author, there’ll be blogs and bloggers that aren’t for you. Sometimes it’s just not meant to be.
Take my blog, for example, you might read this post and be offended by the language and crass style that I use but it’s how I blog, my blog, my blogging style and the issue would then be with you, I wouldn’t change to accommodate you and I shouldn’t have to.
Then there will be those of you who would read this post and think ‘damn, he’s foul-mouthed and crass but it’s great‘ and decide that my blog is for you.
Contacting the blogger.
Nice and polite, short and to the point, personal and fun too, just be decent and respectful.
Don’t badger, hassle, harangue or stalk the blogger. Contact us once with your request and then leave it. Don’t keep prodding, probing and contacting time and time again. It’s uncool and fucking annoying.
It’s our prerogative to refuse and decline any request that is sent to us. You might not want to feature on a certain blog as you don’t like the blogger’s style, a blogger might not want an author on their blog, it works both ways and no reason needs to be given. You can’t expect every blogger to agree to every request they receive and if you keep contacting while I’m sure you are a nice person the sentence ‘that author is a cunt and keeps fucking contacting me‘ might get bandied around. Well, probably not that sentence, most bloggers are polite and wouldn’t use those words, I’m not most bloggers, I’m not polite and I like the words cunt and fuck!
Also, a blogger has no obligation to reply to your request, it’s not a given that you will receive a reply. We have lives, jobs, etc and if you’ve ignored our review policy or your book is a genre that we don’t read, etc then we might choose to ignore the contact you sent, it’s life, deal with it. Man the fuck up and lady the fuck up! No sexism here folks, pull up your diaper, put your dummy back in your mouth and act like an adult and not a little baby.
Oh, and FYI before anyone chimes off about rudeness and being impolite by not replying. If you contact a blogger who is closed to requests or to review a book in a genre that they don’t read then you are being rude first so get yourselves down from that high horse as the blogger ignoring your contact is being rude after you were.
Most of us also have contact forms on our blogs, use them, that is what they are there for. Not DM through Twitter or messenger, contact forms are there for a reason not just for aesthetic qualities!
One last thing! Try and get the blogger’s name right when contacting them, it really is fucking annoying to receive a contact with the wrong name on it!
The blogger isn’t their blog.
As I mentioned in my first point there’s a difference between the blog and the blogger.
My blog is called The Tattooed Book Geek buy that’s not my name, my name is Drew or if I have offended you ‘that foul-mouthed cunt‘ though I prefer Drew and if you did use ‘that foul-mouthed cunt‘ to refer to me then you certainly wouldn’t adhere yourself to my good side.
Remember, there’s a blogger with a life behind each and every blog.
Closed to review requests.
This is a big one! If a blog and blogger are closed to review requests then please don’t send that person a review request!
It should be simple, closed means closed just like no means no! If the legs are closed then there’s not going to be any nudge nudge wink wink and if the review request is closed then there’s not going to be any review!
I get you have a book, you want it reviewing and promoting but if a blog is closed enquire about a different type of post on that blog, a spotlight, guest post, book excerpt or author interview, for example, it’ll still get you and your book some promotion.
Having authors ignore that you are closed to requests is one of my pet peeves, nope, that won’t do, far too polite for me and my blog, it’s fucking annoying, go pimp your wares elsewhere! 🙂
Often it clearly states that the blog is closed so don’t pull out the ‘you didn’t see it bullshit‘ still get review requests and I’m closed, my contact info is on the same page as my review policy and it clearly, CLEARLY in big fucking letters states I’m closed but it’s still ignored. You ignore my closed to requests, I’ll ignore your contact, simple really, ya dig playa!
Politely, it is annoying, if a blog is closed then please respect that and there will be plenty of other great bloggers that are open if you just spend a little extra time looking.
Help us to help you promote yourself.
While we might review your book, some of us might be closed to requests and will have you on our blog for a different type of post. Just like a hooker who offers various services, we offer a smorgasbord of various posts.
If we agree to have you on our blog for a post (guest post, excerpt, author interview) then please send us the required information (author bio, author picture and social media links). It is not our job to get the information and links and it’s unfair that a lot of the time we are expected to do just that.
I know a lot of bloggers don’t mind getting the information but others do. I fall firmly into the ‘it’s not my job‘ camp. I’m having you on my blog and helping to promote you, the least you can do is send the information to promote yourself.
Don’t bad mouth bloggers.
We are a community and support one another, don’t go badmouthing us to your fellow authors. You have an issue with one of us, deal with it in an adult and responsible way in private with that particular blogger.
Some bloggers will be cowed simply because you are an author and they are only a blogger, allowing you to bully them. Others won’t be. Freedom of speech baby, if you act like a cunt there’s a chance that you’ll piss off someone who is far better at it than you, hi! 🙂 There’ll always be a blogger who’s got another blogger’s back, hate on one of us, hate on us all and don’t fuck with us.
Don’t get yourself a bad reputation just because you acted like a cunt!
Don’t harass bloggers.
This isn’t the same as when I mentioned harassing bloggers and badgering them through contact for a review in a previous point. No, sadly some author’s choose to harass bloggers. Obviously, because you are all omnipotent deities of great power and privilege and we as bloggers are just lowly insects or if you prefer, slaves and scum!
Harassment on any level is fucking wrong and it is cuntish behaviour to the extreme! Don’t do it!
This isn’t me as a blogger writing don’t harass bloggers, this is me as a person saying don’t harass another person! Bloggers will think you are a cunt, people will think you are a cunt and also all your fellow authors will think you are a cunt too! Don’t think that they will stick up for you, it won’t happen! They will agree with everyone else that an author harassing a blogger is wrong, cuntish and gives all tarnishes others, giving all authors a bad name when most are extremely decent people! You will be vilified by everyone for being a cunt, I hope any dumb fuck’s considering harassing a blogger realise, DON’T FUCKING DO IT!!!
It’s like Jehovah’s Witnesses and those salesmen that knock on your door blatantly ignoring the ‘no cold callers‘ sign staring them straight in the face in the fucking door! We know how fucking annoying they are! And, we all know what they are, say it with me dear readers, cunts!
Respect the blogger’s view.
If you get a positive review then you’ll be a happy little author, moist or hard depending on whether you are male or female and it’s all good, smiles all around!
However, if a blogger doesn’t like your book and reviews it negatively, deal with it. Remember that diaper and dummy I mentioned earlier, it’s time to pull it up and put it in again, man the fuck up and lady the fuck up!
I understand that the book is your precious baby and you’ve put a lot of time and effort into it. As readers, we respect what authors do. But as a blogger we have to review honestly, it’s what we do and you need to respect that.
When you offer us your book and we accept it’s for an honest review, there’s a chance that review will turn out to be negative as we can’t like all the books, it’s just not possible.
I get it’s disappointing if you do receive a negative review but don’t be a cunt over it! Don’t badger the blogger, don’t ask them to change the rating and don’t tell us we obviously didn’t get the book and others loved it.
Other people love Justin Bieber, I can’t stand the annoying fuckwit twerp, see, not everyone likes the same, just because someone else loved it that doesn’t mean someone else will and as I said, we can’t like all the books.
If you get a negative review and it offers reasons why the book didn’t work for the blogger then, simply, it is what it is. While it will be upsetting as you want your baby to be loved, the reviewer has explained the reasons behind why they felt how they did and that should be enough not to get any backlash over their own personal view.
Trust me, if you get a negative review saying that the book was fucking shit then I’d totally get you having an issue with that type of review. But believe me, as a blogger and reader most of us wouldn’t even bother reading that sort of review or putting any sort of stock in it anyway.
I feel that I should say that I’m fairly certain that there isn’t a book that’s ever and I mean EVER been released that hasn’t received some form of criticism in its history (anyone finds a book with no negative reviews or feedback and I will apologise). It’s highly unlikely that your book will be the first to be universally loved, lauded and praised by all which means you really should learn how to deal with negative criticism, it’s nothing personal, chin up snowflake. 🙂
Don’t pay for reviews.
I’ll offer you this one, there are plenty of fucking awesome book bloggers out there that do this for free. If you are asked by a blogger to pay them for reviewing your book, that blogger is a cunt and just run, turn tail and leg it away from them!
We are bloggers, not whores pimping out our wares for extortionate prices, reviews should always be free on a blog.
Don’t be a cunt and I won’t be a fucker!
Yeah, I could have come up with a better title for this final point but……you know by now I like my swearing.
We aren’t a free publicity service for authors. Yes, we are bloggers and we are happy to help you, but we are also just people who do this for our genuine love of books.
Don’t use our love of books against us by treating us like shit, like you are better than us and that our soul purpose as a book blogger is to promote you. No, it is not, doing that is fucking wrong and is behaviour that will garner you the name, cunt!
Our soul goal as a book blogger is to share our love of books, helping promote authors is something many of us choose to do as an extra on our blog.
You respect us, we respect you and we can all get along and form a mutually beneficial relationship for both authors and bloggers together. Sort of like a friends with benefits type of deal. Only instead of sex, it’s blog posts, free books and reviews! 😉
Now you all know I like swearing and sarcasm in my posts, so, in the words of The New Day ‘Don’t you dare be sour!‘
In the interest of fairness and so I don’t appear to be a complete fucking cunt! – yes, I had to get in one last use of swearing! 🙂 I haven’t had any issues or problems with authors, apart from my blog being closed to review requests and that being ignored and while I’d love for them to send all the required information for blog posts, it’s only a small ‘thing‘ and not a ‘person‘ causing me any hassle.
For me, all the authors that I’ve dealt with (apart from one who was fine with me but a cunt with other bloggers) I’ve found to be decent, polite and all around quality upstanding individuals and I’m more than happy to have any author on my blog for guest posts, book excerpts, etc (just closed to reviews, sorry) and remember folks, controversial topics and swearing is more than welcome!
Follow The Tattooed Book Geek on: