My Musings

8 years ago today.

8 yearsago today

Something different and personal for you all today, if you don’t want to read it as it’s not book related then that’s cool and likewise, if you choose to unfollow my blog then that’s cool too.

December 2nd, 2009, 8 years ago today. The day my dad succumbed to cancer and passed away.

At times it really doesn’t feel like 8 years have passed since I lost my father. Over trivial matters, time can often seem to go by so slowly but for the important events in your life that leave both memories and scars years go by in the blink of an eye.

8 years is a long time, 2009, a bad year, a year in which I struggled with life, a year which left me with scars, a year in which I got fucked with, a year which broke me and a year which taught me that if you expect nothing from someone then they can’t disappoint you whereas if you expect something often you’ll find yourself hurt and disappointed.

My father wasn’t a good man, he wasn’t a good father either or a husband to my mother. But in hindsight, he wasn’t that bad, sure, he was a selfish bastard who thought of himself before others and hurt those he shouldn’t have (I don’t mean me, I’m not conceited and I’m a big boy, I could deal with my father when he was alive and I can deal with the shit life throws at me and cunts now, I mean my mother, she has put up with more shit than anyone should ever have to deal with). Sometimes death can open your eyes though and while your overall opinion on someone won’t change (a cunt is still a cunt and don’t give me any bullshit about talking ill of the dead, death doesn’t turn people into Saint’s) you can look back and see them in a different life. It’s easier to see both the good times and the bad as often those good times get lost in the maelstrom when there’s bad being heaped after bad after bad but when the person is dead there’s nothing new to be added, their story is done, it’s all just history and you can look at it with open eyes.

I’m under no illusions about my father but I’m glad that I can look back and remember him as my father and not just feel anger, hate and hurt.

Sadly, my father died from cancer, a lifetime of smoking finally caught up with and killed him. You could say that he killed himself as sure as if he committed suicide it just took him a lifetime to do it. Before anyone decides to chimes off about me mentioning suicide, I have scars, I’ve wanted to end it all, read some of the poetry on the blog it’s not just words it’s fucking real so don’t you dare take offence to me including it in this post, I’ve been there, I’m allowed to mention it.

My father was an alcoholic too, drink, drink, drink, he’d even hide whiskey bottles so he’d got a drink easy to hand – yeah, how stereotypical, an alcoholic hiding booze!😂 Alcohol and cigarettes two vices and addictions (if you’d seen my father at the end it’d put you off smoking forever).

My father had been to the doctors a few times before he was finally sent for testing, surprisingly! Part of me thinks that he didn’t go to the appointments that he made, he probably went to the pub instead but I don’t know, it’s conjecture on my part as it seems funny that it wasn’t picked up earlier.

I could also imagine The Simpsons episode where Homer has the crayon in his brain and even though he’s had so many brain scans it’s never been seen due to Dr Hibbert’s thumb always being in the way. Only it was test after test then finally ‘sorry, you have cancer‘.

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My father after finally being diagnosed was never given a chance, it was too late for anything to be done and his diagnosis was quite simply a death sentence. Which is one of the confusing things over how it was missed as it had gone through various stages and had already spread to other organs before it was actually diagnosed.

We’d been told he’d got lung cancer but not how bad, the poor old guy was kicked out of the hospital on a Saturday afternoon with no pain medication because he’d been diagnosed and they needed the bed! Yep, the NHS at it’s best, oh look, the old guy is old, has cancer because he smokes who gives a shit let’s send him home because some illegal probably needed the bed. You can’t send someone with cancer home without any pain medication, which they did because the hospital pharmacy was closed for the day.

A few days later we went back to the hospital to learn how bad it was. Looking back, I don’t think he even understood (the cancer had spread to his brain) he accepted that he had cancer but I don’t think he was able to comprehend what that meant. He had the worst possible type of lung cancer (t4 stage small cell carcinoma that had spread) t4 meant that it had already spread through t1 – t3 and small cell is the rarer and harder to treat type, it was as advanced as it could get. Chemo wasn’t an option, he could have had it but with how weak he was and how advanced the cancer was there was a chance that the first time he had chemo he’d die (he was that weak) and even if it was successful it would only give him a couple of extra months on top of his 4 month life expectancy as it was.

He’d have needed to give up the cigarettes for chemo and that was something he was unable to do, the addiction was that bad and they were the only thing that gave him any solace near the end. So the choice was made to decline chemo as it wouldn’t have helped.

Things got bad, certain days he’d be OK and other days he didn’t know who he was and it quickly got to the stage where he couldn’t be trusted on his own, he’d think it was years ago, he was lost in memories of a different time and he was a danger to himself (I remember he was outside smoking and the next minute he’d got up to some nonsense and cracked his head open). He went into a nursing home, it was the only feasible option to look after him and keep him ‘safe‘ as even if we could look after him 24/7 he was a liability to himself and others.

He was well cared for in the home and as much as places like that can be it was a nice place and the people who worked there were decent (my old man had the gift of the gab and women loved his patter, even if he couldn’t remember who he was he still charmed them, sadly, I lack the gift of the gab with women and they just run away from me when I even get up the courage to talk to them).

It was peaceful for him in his last days. There are such horror stories about cancer sufferers and their final days but luckily my father was the opposite. At the end all he wanted to do was smoke and sleep, to the end the addiction had control but he’d already signed his own death warrant so why not if it’s the only thing that brought him some release. He didn’t recognise me or my mother by the end, it’s sad for my mum after they had spent so many years together but she did get to spend a final weekend and birthday (it was her birthday 3 days before) with him before he succumbed to cancer which gave her some peace of mind.

3 days after her birthday we got the phone call, or she did, I was at work, it was early in the morning and my father had passed away. I remember it was a weird feeling, I knew that it was going to happen but I didn’t expect it to be so soon and hadn’t planned for it. Planned is the wrong word but it’s the best one I’ve got as you all know I’m not good with words and suck at eloquence. With the time frame given I’d expected him to make it to the start of January before he finally started to deteriorate into death but it was a month sooner and I always look on the dark side (I’m a negative fucker which is one of the reasons I think my blog sucks because I struggle to see the good/positive in anything that I do) too so I had also expected bad things to take place first. You might ask what the dark side is and what could be darker and what bad things could be worse than knowing someone is going to die! Well, with cancer, bedridden on a morphine drip slipping away slowly every day, each day a step closer to leaving this world and each day another day filled with more fucking pain and agony both for the sufferer and their family! That is what I’d expected to happen with my father, I’m not sure why, told you I’m negative but this surprisingly didn’t happen, sure he was on medication, sure he couldn’t remember who he was or who people were but he was just like any of the other old people in the nursing home and if you didn’t know he’d got terminal cancer you’d have just presumed that he was a frail ill old guy, which he was but multiplied. What I mean is, he didn’t end up back in hospital, he wasn’t on a drip or crying out in agony, he was taken out for an early morning cigarette (told you, the addiction was there to the end, he was like who you? Give me cigarette) as he’d woke up and asked for one, the carer brought him back to his room as he was tired and wanted to go back to bed and within a matter of minutes he’d drifted off to death, going peacefully in his sleep on the morning of December 2nd, 2009. I mean, c’mon, that’s a peaceful way to go and most would choose that, fading in your sleep and just not waking against any other sort of death.

I’m not religious but the fact that he died peacefully made me question whether or not he was as bad as I’d thought, sure he was a bastard but if he was that bad wouldn’t God have made him suffer and linger instead of giving him a peaceful departure? Maybe part of him did remember my mother and he knew it would break her to see him back in hospital lingering day after day and in the end he gave her the only thing left that he could. Maybe it was karma, he wasn’t given a chance to fight and survive due to the late diagnosis so that was balanced with a peaceful end. Maybe he’d paid his dues and suffered enough. Or maybe it was just happenstance and luck that let him drift off.

I actually had an OK relationship with my father, we even got on well at times. He was just a different type of person to me and was very selfish. The world revolved around him (or at least his alcohol) and some of the things that he did couldn’t be forgiven either. I know that while there were issues and I pretty much guarantee that if he was still around today then there would still be issues that even with all the shit that went on there was still some good times mixed in with the bad, he wasn’t as bad as some, he was my father and at times I do miss him.

Cancer took my grandfather as well, not my father’s father, I never knew him, he’d passed away before I was even a thought. No, my mother’s father died of cancer in 2012. I’m not going to say that we had the best relationship, that would be a lie as we didn’t. We got on well enough and I liked my grandfather especially his no-nonsense and gruff attitude to things but he was a hard person to talk with and to relate to which wasn’t really his fault as he had issues. Many years ago (the late 60’s/early 70’s) he suffered a terrible accident that resulted in brain damage he was in the hospital for months and then had months of rehabilitation too. He had to learn to eat, read, write, walk and speak all over again and come later life some of those things caused issues, not surprising really but it meant his brain didn’t work well, he couldn’t remember anything from before the accident only vague recollections and life was hard for him but he was a decent fella who was dealt a tragic hand with his accident.

Sadly, cancer got him too and he did linger in hospital, cruel really as after learning to live again and getting another 45 years (approximately) out of life if anyone deserved a peaceful end it was him.

I’ve mentioned in a couple of previous posts that one of the reasons why I started this blog on March 5th, 2016 was to give me both something to do and something to focus on after my dog died. Yep, she had fucking cancer too.

I got Sully (my dog) from a rescue centre not long after my previous Labrador passed away. I knew straight away that I wanted another dog and when I saw Sully (changed her name to that, Monsters Inc character and Godsmack’s lead singers name, it was also close enough to her original name that she easily recognised it) a young Border Collie who had been mistreated (don’t mistreat dogs or pets in general if you do you aren’t even a cunt, no, you are the lowest of the fucking low and absolute vile filth) and when I first met her in the centre she put her paws on my shoulders and we looked at each other and I just knew that she was the dog for me – yeah, it’s years ago and I still remember it and yeah, I know it ruins my bad boy of blogging image and shows me as a soft touch but fuck it, we all bleed the same! 🙂

I guess everyone says that their pet is the best be it a dog, cat, rabbit, hamster, gerbil, bird or snake, it’s the pet owners prerogative. So you’ll excuse me my little indulgence as I say that Sully was the best dog ever.

Pets aren’t just ‘animals‘ they transcend that, they are part of the family, friends and they sure as hell aren’t like humans, they give you their love unconditionally and don’t expect anything in return whereas humans will often take, take and take and never give anything back. Pets don’t, they are always there for you when you need them and they give you so much and in return, you look after and care for them.

Sully never really had any ailments, she was a well dog, apart from her annual visits for her boosters and health check she was never at the vets (probably once or twice for very minor complaints) but she was healthy. Even in her grand old age, she was a well dog, full of life and vibrancy.

Age gets everyone, such is life and inevitably everything will end and everyone will die. Sully took ill at the beginning of February, one night she was laying down and started having a fit. Called the vet out or as she should have been called the bitch! She checked her over, said it was a fit, probably some arthritis and that ‘she is old‘ but bring her up in the morning and they’ll sort some arthritis medication out. Technically there was nothing wrong with what she said, it was simply her whole demeanour, attitude and rough treatment of my precious dog. It’s still imprinted in my mind near 2 years later (I remember nonsense, can’t remember important stuff but trivial shit, sure my brain remembers it) as I recall the veterinary assistant staring at her in shock and then apologising after the vet had gone back to her car as the vet had commented and said that old dogs die and that was the cost of the call out charge worth it, seriously, who gives a fuck about money, bitch got paid, with her attitude I doubt bitch ever got laid, probably why she is a vet, looked a bit like a heifer and probably used a horse to get her fix!

Suffice to say, I didn’t take my dog to that vets, hell, look at the shit I write on my blog and trust me, I say worse in real-life (I lack a filter, if it amuses me when I say it) and I thought her attitude was atrocious and just downright rude. Changed vets, lovely people, got some arthritis medication to see how Sully went as she was weak on her back, whether or not it was from the fit, old age or it was arthritis the medication would help and she’d have either stayed on it or she’d have had an x-ray to see what was wrong. That appointment was booked for 2 weeks later, we never made it.

Things went well for a week or so, the medication seemed to be working and Sully seemed more like her old self then she deteriorated and had another fit, this one worse than the time before, far worse. Rushed her to the vets she was given oxygen, blood tests, etc and it all came back fine, nothing untoward but she never recovered.

Took her home, put her on the sofa and hoped for the best that it was just another fit and that she’d hopefully improve but lady luck wasn’t smiling on us. She made it through the night then started coughing up black bits (black bits are bad and black bits means disease) and she wouldn’t/couldn’t move, eat or drink. The tests hadn’t shown anything and the vets didn’t understand so, back to the vets we went, another set of blood tests and again they came back fine which only left a scan to show what was wrong (it was obvious there was only one thing that it could be, fucking cancer but we needed to be sure) and it showed tumours, lots of tumours that had spread. My poor dog, that gave me so much, that fucking saved me had fucking cancer just like my father, smoking causes lung cancer, my father gave himself cancer after a lifetime of addiction, my dog didn’t give herself cancer and sure as hell didn’t deserve it. She was the best of us and deserved to die peacefully in her sleep not injected on a cold vets table in the evening of February 19th 2016 as her owner tries his best not to curse out the world he hates using his vast array of colourful and unique swear words as his heart is torn to pieces as he watches the light fade from her eyes.

How long had my dog had cancer? How long had she been suffering without ever showing it? I don’t know, the vets didn’t know either, there was no way of knowing. The type of cancer she had (liver) is insidious and goes undetected as blood tests come back with nothing wrong and there are no symptoms until it’s advanced, one minute the dog is fine and the next cancer has taken over.

Fuck, it’s been 20 months since I lost Sully, sometimes, just like with my father it seems ages ago and at other times it feels like it was only a couple days ago and yes, I still miss that dog!

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If you got this far then thank you and you might well be asking yourself what the hell was the point of this post?! Well, it’s my blog and just because it’s a ‘book‘ blog it doesn’t mean that everything has to always be book related, the blogging police won’t come after me for writing and posting a post that is unrelated to books on my book blog and if they do then they can fuck right off. I was feeling rather maudlin and miserable and I wanted to write something down about my father as it’s the anniversary of his death only for me to go off rambling on tangents about my grandfather and dog and turn the post into some self-indulgent waffle (if I can’t use my blog as a place to occasionally post my own thoughts then what’s the point of having a blog).

To answer my question, the point of the post is simply this, the world is full of pain, cancer takes away things that we love and cancer is a bastard!


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79 thoughts on “8 years ago today.

  1. Sully looks so awesome, proper smiley happy dog. You’re right, animals become part of your life so completely, they are family & loved.
    Cancer robs us of so many good people and animals. It unfortunately doesn’t discriminate 😞

    I have no words that can comfort or soften the harshness of the anniversary of your father’s passing bit instead offer hugs & friendship x

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I wish there was a love button on WP sometimes!
    I lost my mother in law 8 years ago. It was sudden. We were talking to her on the Friday – we got the call on Sunday to say she’d died. I then lost my Mum two years ago. It’s shit.
    Blogging for me has also given me something to focus on, so I don’t slip into a place I don’t want to be. I’m sure you will hear this a lot on the back of this post, but you’re awesome. You’re loved and you’re certainly not alone.

    You ever need an ear? I’ve got two xx

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Thanks for exhibiting the courage to share real shit. While unintentional I’m sure, I found your description of your father’s death to be comforting to me. I hope to go that way, as well, with as little burden on my only son as possible.

    Grief has no statute of limitations, and I’m still grieving my mother’s death, my baby sister’s death….Cancer is a bitch that’s prob got me by the balls also. It’s taken so many of my loved ones. Yet, like your father, I’ve smoked cigs since I was ten and all efforts to quit (several) have failed.

    I’m confident that both your mother and father are very proud of you Drew.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you, I appreciate your kind words.

      I think it is comforting, which does sound weird but I think most people would like to just drift off in their sleep, it doesn’t burden the family but for the person as well it’s a peaceful end which I’d say given the chance we’d all take.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Sorry about the loss of your dad and your dog. (Finding a good vet is SO important! I never had a bad vet until one in the last 5 years and I ditched them after two visits.) My dog just turned 9 yesterday and I fear the day he begins to really start to go down hill. He’s had health problems his whole life but he’s looking pretty damn good for 9! *Toasts Sully’s memory*

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Drew, this brought me to tears. Seriously. I’m sorry about your dad. I struggle with an alcoholic father and don’t even know where he is or if he’s alive anymore. Like your dad, he was selfish. Never a father to my brother and I. I’m sorry to hear about his death and for all that you’ve gone through, but I’m happy to know that you had a relationship with him atleast.

    Sully was such a beautiful dog. We have collies and they are the best. I can’t imagine what that must have been like for you. Our pets are family and I wish we never had to lose them. They live such short lives.

    This post is so full emotion and it pours out of you. I don’t think that your negative, in fact, I hate that word. I’d rather use the word realistic, critical, or even unsure. You had to take it all as it came and obviously did the best you could. We all meet different experiences in life and deal with things differently. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how positive you are, the shit’s gonna hit the fan.

    I admire that you’re not afraid to express your thoughts. I’ve always admired that about you and it inspires me. I hold back all the time because I worry I’ll lose people and sometimes I feel like I can’t be my true self on my blog because a lot of people only like positive posts. You say what you want and you care if people don’t like it. It’s brave. I appreciate that.

    I hope nothing I just said offends you because it wasn’t my intention. I have more I want to say, but I’ll leave it at that. Hugs ❤

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you for your kind words and no, nothing you wrote offended me. I appreciate the comment.😀

      Thank you, yeah, I don’t hold and I do express my thoughts, perhaps a bit too bluntly at times but if people are going to take offence then there’ll take offence be it written bluntly or politely.

      That’s very true about positive posts, I personally don’t get it. Sure, we all like to read positive things but life isn’t all positive and you have both the good and the bad like you have the positive and the negative. It’s one of the things that I don’t much like about blogging, this whole positive post thing as I think at times it stops some bloggers posting what they want if it’s realistic, negative, etc when it’s their blog and they should feel able to post what they want as it should be the bloggers choice. I guess I’m of the mindset that if I lose followers for being blunt, negative, etc then it’s OK, just means my blog wasn’t and isn’t for them, still annoying though that people stop following a blog due to a honest post.

      Yeah, I wish we didn’t have to lose pets too, it’s heartbreaking and as you say, they live such short lives.😞

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Sending good thoughts your way on such a heavy day. I lost my father two years ago in October to liver disease. I didn’t have much of a relationship with him growing up, and I knew he was an alcoholic, but after I graduated high school he certainly tried to get to know me better. I feel guilt and like there was so much more getting to know him I had left to do. I think a lot of family and friends didn’t know how to handle the news, because I wasn’t very close with him, but he was still my Dad. What I learned over the past two years is that I don’t have to explain myself for anything I’m feeling over his loss. I mourn losing my dad, but also over the time I lost not knowing him well, the time we could have had to mend our relationship better, and the relationship my kids could have had with him. Of course you are sad, and of course there were good times. No matter the bad, he was your father and maybe like me you mourn lots of different things.

    And with your sweet dog Sully, I’m sorry things ended like they did. It’s not fair that pets die at all. They’re part of the family and don’t have a selfish bone in their bodies. They love unconditionally. If only more people could be like that. 💗

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you.

      Yeah, I agree, it’s a shame that pets have to die at all but sadly they do. It’s a cruel end though as people can be well, a vast variety of bad words whereas pets, as you say they love unconditionally and out of everything they deserve a peaceful ending.

      Yeah, we all mourn different things and it’s not just death. It’s often not a case of simply mourning that the person has died but all of the other thoughts, feelings and subsequent things that the death makes relevant. Yes! Totally agree! You don’t have to explain yourself over loss and what you feel over it, what you feel is personal and no explanation should be needed over it.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Great post Drew. Sorry for all of your losses. Cancer is a super bitch. You are definitely right. This is your blog. You write whatever you want whenever you want to. Your honesty is what keeps us reading. Never compromise your feelings. Thank you for sharing this post with us. Very thought provoking.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Thanks Drew. I think that’s a brave piece of writing and it rings a lot of bells with me.
    Cancer is a terrifying thing. Few years back, I survived it (although it was was touch and go at times). It’s still very easy to have nightmares about the experience.
    My old man also died of it (and was overly fond of the juice). It took me a long time to realise that I miss him …and profoundly sad that I probably understand him better now than when he was alive.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Not sure Brave is the word I’d use, I have a tendency to go off on tangents and babble on about nonsense in my posts.😂

      That’s true, I’m not sure I understand my own father better but looking back you can see a more rounded view than just the sh#t that went on and it is sad when it takes you a long time to realise that you miss the person.

      Like

  9. Sending you a ton of love and all of the support I can muster my dear friend. The anniversary of my dad’s death is on the 18th of this month, just four days after my mom’s own birthday and it makes December ever so challenging. I am thankful every day that they determined this lesion in my brain to be benign. I cannot lie, this was a challenging read for me, but I think you needed to write it and that it all that matters. I hope you draw much strength from that and will continue to keep sending those positive vibes. Sully looks awesome! My best friend’s name was Hooter. Sadly, there are no surviving pictures are I would share. Much love Drew. Ever so much love and strength.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I’m sorry it was a challenging read for you. I didn’t set out to make it challenging but I guess the writer has no control over that as the subject matter is tough and challenging in itself when similar has affected people personally.

      I think I did need to write, I think I clocked 3,400 words which is a hell of a lot, didn’t go out to write anywhere near that length do yeah, I guess I needed to write it.

      It does make it hard when someone dies near a birthday, it takes away what should be a happy day and forever after makes it something else.

      Benign is good, definitely something to be thankful for. My mother has a tumour of sorts on her pituitary gland and luckily it’s benign too.

      Hooter, had to smile at that, add an ‘s and it’s hooters!😂 Yeah, I’m male!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ah yes. It was a good, heartfelt post Drew. And as you say, challenging because I feel for you and with you in sorts due to my own personal losses and struggles. You are a strong individual and I am glad you shared this. I hope it offers some healing. Although I understand too well that some wounds never fully close. Just keep doing you and stay strong my friend!

        I knew you would get a chuckle out of Hooter’s name 😉 I still get about it. I miss that damn dog so bad. He was attached to my hip ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  10. I imagine this must have been tough to write. This part here: “don’t give me any bullshit about talking ill of the dead, death doesn’t turn people into Saint’s”… couldn’t agree you with more! My father was an abusive bastard, and I didn’t pretend otherwise when he died, although some people did. We don’t always get the father (or mother) we wish we had, unfortunately.

    I was deeply moved by what you wrote about Sully. She was so beautiful, and I love how you connected with her right away. The events leading up to her death are similar to my Boomer… he started having seizures and we thought it was heartworms (which he did have), but when we started treating him for it he got much, much worse. Like your Sully, he couldn’t move, eat, or drink and we took him back to the vet and found out he had cancer everywhere. He was up there for two days, and just got worse, so we had to let him go. It’s the most loving thing we can do for our beloved pets, but it’s such a horrible ordeal to go through for us. 😢 Just rips your heart out, doesn’t it?

    Beautiful post, Drew. Thank you for sharing this with all of us.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you.

      Parts were tough to write, the bit about Sully was harder than the rest of the post. I do have a tendency to babble and ramble on though so parts just flowed. Sit me in front of a screen with a review to write and I’ll sit their drooling at the screen hand hovering over the keyboard not writing anything but a personal post, rambling away I go!😂

      I’m glad you agree! It annoys me when people state that you can’t talk ill of the dead, sad thing is those same people often bad mouth the living but draw the line at the dead. Death doesn’t make the person a Saint but as you say, some people pretend otherwise.

      I remember when you posted about Boomer on FB, hard to know what to write when you see posts like that and you’ve been through it as you know how heartbreaking it is and that words can bring you some meaning but the pain is a killer and takes a long time to fade. Yes, it does rip out your heart, pets deserve a peaceful ending but it wasn’t to be but at least they had a good life with owners that loved them.

      Liked by 2 people

  11. At the end of a crap week I know exactly where you are coming from Drew. Sometimes you’ve just got to say it and you’ve been really honest. Good on you. I know how it is to not have a good relationship with my parents, knowledge which has coming back in spades with a few events this week and I felt like writing a lay it bare post too. I completely get where you are coming from. My father wasn’t the worst one in the world but he was light years from being the best and now I’ve finally moved on from the influence of either of my parents I have forty years of back dated tears hitting me at every turn.

    Sully looks like a real beaut. I have a lovely Pup nearing her final days. It’s a bond you can’t define and can’t let go of sometimes.

    Keep your chin up chuck and keep being honest.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, very true, it’s definitely a bond you can’t define with a pet and yeah, letting go is hard! When my previous dog passed away I knew straight away that I wanted another one and in a matter of weeks I’d got Sully. This time, it’ll be 2 years later and I still don’t know if I want another.

      Ah, I saw your post in one of the FB groups about going into work and a colleague had passed away. I was sorry to read that, it’s never good. I suck at commenting on posts in FB groups though and generally try and stay in the back ground as I get tired of the nonsense with blogging at times.

      Liked by 1 person

  12. A true post from the heart, I have complimented you on your poetry before and can see it comes from within. Sully’s picture makes my heart melt, totally with you on the unconditional love from pets and their ability to understand when we as humans are down/ill/depressed.
    As for talking to women, I know you are a sarcastic bastard but don’t underestimate yourself you have plenty to offer and many women would love you for it (that isn’t meant to sound cheesy just an observation)
    As for the cancer I can’t even go there at the moment because my ladylike image would be shattered, I have lost my mum, dad & brother to it and you know what the fucking bastard is doing to me right now .. so I will just send you hugs and keep writing. I haven’t felt up to reading blogs lately but yours is one I try to pop into. xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hey!😂 Less of the bastard bit thank you!😂 I was born in wedlock!😂

      You have complimented me on my poetry, yes and it does come from the heart. Perhaps not all of it and maybe only one or two lines at times and I work the rest around that but it always holds some meaning.

      It’s understandable that you can’t go there with cancer, I’ve seen on Twitter and in FB book group but I suck at commenting on posts as I never know what to write! Yes, I’m aware that this post is as long as War and Peace but over certain things, I have no clue what to say.😂

      Thank you for popping into my blog.😀

      Liked by 1 person

  13. That last part of your post just hit me like a ton of bricks to the face. This morning I had to take my 15 year old cat to the vet to be euthanized. He was hospitalized earlier this week for an upper respiratory infection and even after I took him home he kept getting worse. I’m not doing so well today. 😢 I’m sorry for both of your losses. Even if you weren’t close with your dad, it’s still hard to see someone go through all of that.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, it is hard, regardless of how close you are as it’s such a vile disease.

      I’m sorry for your loss, it’s understandable your not doing well today, it’s heartbreaking to lose a pet, words don’t come close with the pain of it, pets are friends not just animals but you have your memories and hopefully you’ll be OK.

      Liked by 2 people

  14. Cancer certainly is a bastard! We lost my stepdad in 2009 to bowel cancer, aged 58. In 2010 a close friend to leukaemia, aged 35 and we know far too many others! My thoughts are with you as you remember your father. Nothing prepares you for the end however much it is expected. My Grandad died in February, aged 88. He had vascular dementia and altzheimers, another cruel disease.

    I’m totally with you regarding pets also. My Bella is my baby and I dread losing her. People who mistreat animals deserve to rot in hell.

    An emtional and heartfelt post, Drew. Thanks for sharing x

    Liked by 2 people

  15. Well done you for getting all that off your chest.
    Yes it’s your blog, and it’s your decision on what you should post.
    Personally I found it very touching, and hope it has helped you getting it all out.
    I lost my Dad 17 years ago, I often wonder what things would be like if he was still here.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Thank you for having the courage to write about these things, Drew. I remember when my grandfather died – I lived with my grandparents so it was like losing my Dad – someone told me that while he might not be with me every day anymore, so long as he was remembered with love, he wasn’t completely gone. I found those words both a comfort and as time has gone by, I’ve also discovered there is a truth in those words, too. I pass them on to you in the hope you also find a truth there…

    Liked by 2 people

  17. Ahoy there Drew. This post hit hard in both good ways and bad. It’s frankly been a sh*t two years in terms of losing people and this post resonates with me. We lost six people to cancer in the last seven years, another to suicide, and me little cat, JB. Me dad was an alcoholic drug addict and I spent most of me life waiting for the phone call to say he overdosed. When the call came it was the cancer that got him. He didn’t tell anyone about his cancer diagnosis. He didn’t want to bother anyone. It was so widespread that he died about a week and a half later. It gives me complicated feelings due to me complicated relationship. He was such a sh*t dad and I mostly feel relief that he is gone. But me sister is wrecked by his death these two years later. And it was hard for me nephews. So that is hard to watch. I also started me blog almost two years ago in order to focus on something more positive. Goodness I am rambling now but I feel these kinds of posts are important because we can share both grief and good memories with our fellow man (and women!). Yer dog Sully was just super cute. I have lost three important cats in me life and I miss all of them, not just the most recent loss. As I like to think of it, each loss we suffer as humans brings back all the previous losses in our lives. It’s why the pain is so heavy. While I believe that we should tell the truth about the dead [side note: me evil grandmother’s cancer did not magically cure the fact she was a b*tch for example] I do believe that fer me it is better to focus on the good memories and cherish the intangible gifts that me loved ones gave me. Me dad fer example gave me the gift of reading. So while yer post made me sad, it also made me happy thinking of the people I have lost and reminding of the positive effects they had on me life so far. I am going to shut up now. Arrrr!
    x The Captain

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you.

      I’m sorry for all your losses.

      That’s very true about focusing on the good and the gifts that we are given. I just think that we can focus on and remember the good whilst still remembering the fact that the person wasn’t a Saint, doesn’t mean that there wasn’t good memories though, it’s just being realistic about the person who passed away.

      Liked by 1 person

  18. Don’t apologise for writing something raw, especially when it’s about such a deep and horrible subject-death and cancer. It’s a horrible disease and more horrible as it affects our pets and they never do anything but love us unconditionally. My own kitty passed away after a horrible night where she couldn’t see anything anymore and then fitting first thing in the morning before a vet could see her. She’d been on thyroid meds but the vet never checked her condition properly and there were other neurological issues which should have been looked at instead of being put on stronger medications.
    We never stop missing our pets and the people we love when they die, but time is a healer and sometimes you just need time, or a new pet can sometimes be a cure too though I’ve struggled with that suggestion from people for a long time. Hope the writing of this post was cathartic and you feel better (if you know what I mean) 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you and yes, it was cathartic to write it all out. I struggle with that suggestion too! Someone at work actually brought it up the other day and I wasn’t impressed, they got the evil eye look!😂 It’s a tough one, part of the time I feel like I want a new pet and part of the time, I don’t and I guess that the only one who can know when you’re truly ready for a new pet is yourself.

      Liked by 1 person

  19. As always, thanks for sharing from the heart. Cancer is the worst. You would think that of all the technological advances and putting men in space, we could kill out of control cancer cells. I recently found my biological father’s family ( I am adopted), and discovered my biological father died of cancer at 58. He found out in April and died 3 months later. I never got a chance to meet him. Not sure if you ever check out my blog but I love dogs and foster senior dogs. I am so sorry about Sully. Dogs are the best and humans could learn so much from them. Live in the moment, love unconditionally, and nap a lot 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I do check out your blog on occasion, my blog hopping sucks though. Especially since I started to get fed-up with blogging and I cut back to focus more on reading as I was losing the enjoyment in both.

      That’s very true, dogs are awesome and yeah, people could learn a lot from animals.

      Liked by 1 person

  20. Seeing my dad go and how he went backwards after chemo was a right kick in the cunt. I was with him every day for the last 3 months of his life, he was on morphine so high, we never realy knew when he was around or when he was delerious. My last prayer was that he could please just be taken away, I knew how hard it was for him to suffer through it all, i know how hurt he was knowing he would be leaving us behind. It hit me hardest, not even talking about my mom, cuase i was the closest of the three sons to him. I saw him exhale his last breath and i lost it. Hart warming piece you wrote here Drew. May they rest in peace

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Sully is so cute. I’m sad that you lost her 😦 I’ve never personally lost a pet but no one ever looks forward to it when that day does come. I hope you can find another furry friend eventually. I’m also sad to hear about your dad’s passing. Family relationships are messy but I think his peaceful passing away is better. I think we finally get a glimpse at what it looks like to truly rest from our problems. Writing stuff like this important and it’s good that you did 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Both of my dogs died of cancer too. We did everything to save them, they had operations to remove tumors but it’s a battle that couldn’t be won. I still miss them as well. Other people have children and they were mine, my furr babies :-), not everybody understand how important they are and how much they can be a part of your family. Thank you for this heartfelt post Drew. I’m very sorry for your losses as well. I’m sure Sully had a good life with you and she was loved very much, she looks so happy and cute in the picture 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Cancer is a real bastard 😦 I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost one of my dearest friend to brain cancer too and I was only 11 years old? It is hard to witness it. Very brave of you to share this experience of yours too ! (btw if anyone unfolows you for this, is a total asswhole -XD )

    Liked by 2 people

  24. I’m sorry your life has been riddled with cancer… it’s a horrible, horrible killer. Your dog was beautiful, that’s a shame that they can’t detect cancer in them sooner. I’ve never had a pet, so I can only imagine the pain of loosing a pet can be.

    Liked by 1 person

  25. Fuck cancer. It takes away the wrong people for the wrong reasons; okay… maybe there’s just no good reason to take anyone away… Thank you for taking the time to share this intimate piece with everyone. Hopefully you’ll be able to stay strong through those darker moments where you end up reflecting on these losses. I have a dear friend who’s been struck with cancer and the day I learned of this just had me completely shook. I can’t imagine what it’be like if I were to lose that person.

    Liked by 1 person

  26. I’m so glad there are still people out there who can write and aren’t afraid to share their histories and their feelings.
    I can relate to this post on so many levels. Not that I’ve lost my dad or my dog, for that matter. But the way you described him, felt like I was reading about my own father. Of course it doesn’t sound good, and maybe I’m in no position to tell you this, but my father is not a good man, or a good husband, he’s a dick honestly. Still I can imagine it will be hard to lose him, probably to cigarretes and alcohol just as yours.
    As for your dog, that was the part that really made me cry. My doggy is very sick and I can’t really imagine my life without him. I wake up serveral times every night just to check if he’s still alive, to see if he’s warm and breathing. I don’t want that day to come but it is inevitable.
    I’m really sorry for your losses. Thank you so much for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Not sure that I can write! I’d say it’s more lengthy incoherent rambling with a couple of points thrown in.😂 Usually with far more sarcasm and swearing but as this is a sombre subject I reigned those in a lot.

      I agree about sharing histories and feelings though. I think lots of people do but more don’t and at times I think it’s down to the blogging community as there’s such an emphasis on being positive and happy and at times personal posts are the opposite as life isn’t all rainbows and sunshine and people don’t like to post things incase they get negative feedback over the post. I just say f#ck it, it’s my blog, people don’t like it then it’s their issue.😂

      I think it’s hard to lose anyone, it just takes a while/time to realise it even if they are a d#ck. I’m sorry to read about your dog too, heartbreaking to lose a pet when it sadly happens, I can’t unfortunately say otherwise.😢

      Liked by 1 person

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