Welcome one and all (well, it’s more one than all as about one person will read this) to my latest blog post TTBG’s Bad Blogging Advice 101 where I impart on you some bad blogging advice that if you choose to follow will guarantee that you become a truly awful or successful blogger it’s subjective and entirely down to which way you look at it.😱😝
Stats are all important!
Stats matter, anyone that tells you that they don’t is a filthy liar! Likes, comments, page views and really, if you have shit stats then you suck at blogging, it is as simple as that. Try harder cupcakes, more effort, higher stats and remember! The better the stats, the better the blogger, obviously, it’s elementary my dear blogger.👍
Lie and big up yourself.
It’s your blog, pimp that mother and big it up! Fools tell the truth, those in the know lie! Fudge it all, make yourself look good and embellish, embellish, embellish!
It’s like Highlander and the immortal film quote ‘there can be only one‘. Well, there can be only one best blogger, lie, big up yourself and make out you are the top dog, the best and the one that all the other bloggers aspire to be. It’s. All. About. You!
Those other bloggers are grasping for your panties (if you don’t wear panties then they’ve already slipped and fallen away) whilst you are breaking through the glass ceiling and shooting straight to the moon.
Lying is wrong, lying is a sin and if you’re not sinning then you’re not winning!
Bad mouth other bloggers.
I hear you scream community?! What community! There is only you and them, not ‘us‘ but simply ‘you‘ and ‘them‘.
Make yourself look good at the expense of others and tarnish their reputation.
Make out that they are bad and a stain on the community and in the process become more popular and look good for bringing their heinous crimes against blogging and the community to light.
And, of course, cry wolf over and over again making yourself out to be the victim to get sympathy by telling the world how horrible, nasty, mean, vindictive and offensive the others all are (or just pick on one particular person that you don’t like but lots of other people do cos you are jealous of them) whilst smirking to yourself that you have put your nefarious ‘poor me, I’m not really a cunt, I’m the victim, give me praise, look at me, stroke my ego and if you want you can stroke something else too but regardless I’ll be touching myself tonight‘ plan into action.😱😂😝
It’s fun shitting on other people and in the process (only if you are good enough at it obviously) you might also sabotage their blog and reputation which means more followers for you!👍
If you aren’t evil enough to actually badmouth other bloggers and have a modicum of human decency then just take the piss out of them instead, it’ll amuse you and annoy them.😝
Don’t share other bloggers blog posts on social media.
You share them, they get the promotion, not you……NOT YOU! Pimp your own blog on your social media and don’t bother with any other blogs and bloggers out there. Sharing their posts takes potential readers away from your own blog and really, who wants to help others out, hell no, it’s not a charity that you have but a blog!
Some might say that you are sharing the love, well! Y’all know what happens when you share too much love around……STD’s! Y’all might get BTD’s that is blogging transmitted diseases!
Spoilers in reviews are a MUST!
Spoil the shit out of the book and don’t give out spoiler warnings beforehand! Character deaths, major plot twists and reveals, tell us, tell us it ALL! It is your right and we want to know! Give us every last little detail. Spoil away and make sure that you go into extra excessive and extensive detail over the ending of the book.👍
Make sure that you tag the author of the book in your negative review!
It goes without saying that authors love to read hate-filled and vitriolic reviews of their work, it makes their day.👏👍
You can help with this by making sure that you tag them, constantly I might add in your negative review of their work.
You are doing them a favour! They can see that you didn’t like the book, don’t bother critiquing and explaining what you didn’t actually like, just tell them ‘it was shit‘ or ‘fucking hated that awful pile of garbage‘ or ‘every time I turned the page I was a little bit sick in my mouth as it was so bad‘.
Really, if you look at it objectively you are helping them out, they can see you disliked their book, next time they will try harder. Ergo, you are helping them improve as an author.👍
Post your Blog Tour posts when you want!
This point is only applicable to those bloggers who participate in blog tours. When you agree to take part in a blog tour you are agreeing to post (review or content) on a specific date but……..we don’t want to do that! Oh no! That is very mundane and conformist, no! If you are taking part in a blog tour then don’t bother with your arranged date, fuck that!
If you post before your specific tour date then the author and tour organiser will see that you were that eager to share that you were bursting to share, full to the brim with excitement and so you shot your post (admit it, you thought I was going to write shot your load) as you just couldn’t wait to post!
If you decide to go in the opposite direction and post after your specific date then the author and tour organiser will be disappointed, hurt and sad thinking that you forgot and that you just didn’t care, then bam! It’s classic bait and switch as you hit them with your later post, it’s a shock, a surprise and all is well, the initial disappointment at the missed post will turn to the euphoria that you hadn’t forgotten and were just messing with them.😂
Post when you want on whatever day, date and time suits you! That way it is a surprise to both the author and tour organiser when your post does go live and honestly, who doesn’t like surprises!
Whine to the publicists!
So, you missed out on an ARC or finished copy to read and review. It happens and you could buy the book yourself either in the newly released hardback, ebook, maybe wait for an ebook deal or wait until the paperback version is released later in the year, all are feasible options but all cost you money and we don’t want that!
No! No! No! We gets free books for our blog! If you missed out on a book, whine, moan, whine, threaten and generally act like a baby who shit themselves and you never know, luck might be on your side, Nah, fuck that! As CM Punk once said ‘luck is for losers‘ and you deserve that book!
With constant badgering the publicist may break and see the error of their ways gracing you with a copy of the book and an apology as after all, you acting like a spoilt brat showed how much you want the book and how passionate you are!👍
Steal other bloggers blog posts!
There’s so many blogs and bloggers out there and let’s face it. Most of them probably turn out higher quality posts than you do, solution, steal them!
Now, obviously, you wouldn’t steal post after post from the same blog as that would be stupid (you’re not stupid are you) and there’s a good chance that you’d end up getting caught. Ultimately, then, that blogger would start crying over it and no-one wants that shit, can you say hassle!
The answer! Spread it around! Sneak in and steal one post here, one post there, different genres, different types of posts, different blogs, mix it up, don’t get caught!
If, unfortunately, you do get caught stealing, let’s face it, we aren’t infallible and shit happens then you can either own up, admit that you were stealing, profusely apologise (obviously sincerely and from the heart) and plead diminished responsibility for the misdemeanour or you can be like Shaggy and even if you are caught red-handed proclaim ‘it wasn’t me‘.
Sell your ARC’s!
You were sent them, so, regardless of whether they say ‘not for resale‘ on them or are yet to be released, if you want to then you sell them bad boys on and make some extra money.
Some might frown on selling ARC’s but everyone knows that possession is nine-tenths of the law and as you possess them, well, they are yours to do with what you want aren’t they!
Look at it this way, you would only be attempting to sell the ARC. People know it’s wrong and yet there will be some schmuck out there who is only too happy to buy the ARC from you, really, any issue isn’t with the seller (you) but the buyer as you couldn’t sell if no-one was buying, it’s supply and demand baby!
Charge for reviews!
Fuck the haters! They are just jealous and salty that they aren’t good enough to charge for their own reviews. Haters gonna hate, screw them, y’all got bills ya need to pay and who needs a proper job when y’all can pimp your words and charge for your top quality reviews.
Don’t just charge for each review you write though, oh no, you’ll be losing out on money! Charge per word! Singular, each and every single word and then ramble on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and raise that overall price up!👍
If anyone takes issue with it, fuck them, obviously, not literally, unless of course they are willing at the thought of being with such a famous and rich blogger and tell them this ‘I’m like L’oréal, I charge because I’m worth it‘.
Thoughts?? Do you have any bad blogging advice to share?? Obviously, if you hadn’t realised this was a fun post so let’s not get serious with the bad advice and instead, let’s keep it fun.👍😝
This is a sponsored post courtesy of Pimping My Blog Ain’t Easy in conjunction with Drew Likes to Amuse Himself. If you enjoyed this post then please consider giving to the Drew wants a new PS4 game fund. 🙂
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