TTBG’s blogging goals for the second part of 2018.

Hey yo, peeps!😂 I thought that today I’d reveal my blogging related goals for the second half of the year!

Aaaawww, look at the little creeper flash! The Gremlin is revealing himself and showing all. Now, obviously, I’m not going to do that, it’d burn your eyes and The Tattooed Book Geek is not that type of blog! I run a high-class establishment of the utmost respect and seriousness. But revealing my goals for the rest of the year, sure, why not.

Firstly though, a rhyme!

There are many blogs that I choose to read,
If I give them a like will they get on their knees?

There are many blogs that I choose to follow,
If I ply them grog I ask will they swallow?

There are many bloggers who like to have fun,
If you’re not down with that then I guess you should run.

Anyhow, here are my oh so serious blogging related goals.

Get to 100,000 combined blog followers.

Obviously, this will need to be over both my blog and my social media platforms but I think it is achievable. I mean, c’mon, it’s not a crazy goal like 1,000,000 followers and is a sensible number so I should be able to do it, right?!?

Get 10,000 views on a blog post.

Again, it’s an achievable and oh so important goal. All I need to do is beliebe and no, that isn’t a typo and I don’t mean believe, the spelling is right and I mean beliebe! 😱😂😝

Get 1,000 likes on a blog post.

Why not?! It’s doable and makes up the trifecta of stat related goals.🙄😂

Side note: Aim big, aim high, go long and like Batman riding a Unicorn shoot for the sky!

Big stats = big blogger, big blogger = better blogger!

With attaining these sorts of blogging stats it will be validation as to my greatness and then add in the admiring hero worship that will come from you all too, hashtag winning!😱😂😝

Acquire some bloupies.

Now, I’ve been trying (and failing) to find some bloupies (blogging groupies) for a while now and, alas, I am currently shit outta luck in the bloupie department. I tell you blimping (blog pimping) ain’t easy!

So! If any of you want to help me out and either want to be a bloupie yourself or know someone who would be interested then holla at me through the contact form on my blog and make sure to use the heading ‘I want to be a bloupie‘ so that I know it’s not a random review request.😂

Create another blog.

I want to create a new blog for my side venture as the author of a new series of Dinosaur Porn books staring Timmy the Hewillmakeyousorearse-Rex going by the pen name Tasty McYumyum which I think is a fine name for a writer in that genre.👍👌

I also intend to write a Dr Seuss style rhyming parody book called The Thrush in the Bush.

And!

I’m writing another parody this time monster porn! Have you heard of Deep Blue Sea?!? It’s a film (from 1999, I believe) where sharks are being researched on and go on a rampage. Well, in my version the sharks don’t go rampaging they go ravishing and it’s called: Deep Creamy Sea.

If…..and it’s only ‘if‘ Deep Creamy Sea is met with a positive response then I have an idea for another parody this time a book by Mr Stephen King! Yes, The Green Mile will get filthed up and turned into The Cream Mile.😱😝😂

Start a book blogger and reader dating site.

This will be an elite and paid for service similar to match.com with algorithms and all that claptrap to create the perfect partnership match and not a free site like plenty of pussy, sorry, plenty of fish where you will just get a booty call or a back alley sausage.

No, this is not a money making scheme and I’m not out to make a quick buck, far from it.

I genuinely and legitimately want to help bring readers together to form lasting relationships. Think about it this way too. It doesn’t matter the distance between the couple as really, all that means is more reading time when travelling on the train to meet each other.👍

My site is for the distinguished gentlemen bloggers and the lady bloggers. No common blogging riff-raff, unfortunately, sorry. I know that’s taking out a wide range of the clientèle but I want the site to set a good example for both bloggers and readers from the name through to those who use the service.

I know you are all wondering what the name of the site is, well, it is: Hey, you like that book, let’s fuck.

See, doesn’t it look like a genuine site for finding love and happiness?!?! 😱😂😝

Get a famous author to appear on my blog.

For clarity’s sake, I don’t mean one of those modern day pretenders like JK Rowling, Stephen King or George RR Martin, oh no! I mean a proper famous author like Dickens, Shakespeare, Stoker or Tolkien.

Yes, I’m aware that they have all snuffed it, have been worm food for many years and that their bones have long since turned to dust but! I have seen Bill & Ted and the pair of them being most excellent are going to hook me up with their time machine so that I can travel back in time and get either Dickens, Shakespeare, Stoker or Tolkien or if time permits and nothing bogus happens then, all to appear on my blog.

Become a well-respected pillar of the blogging community.

Sniggers. Yeah, you read that correctly.😱😂😝

Write a serious blog post with no swearing, no sarcasm and no euphemisms.

Yes, again, you read that correctly no swearing, fuck, the horror! No sarcasm, great, a boring, bland and vanilla post. I think I’ll title it the ‘snowflake‘ post. And then no euphemisms! That’ll be a stiff task, I might get stuck and it’ll be hard…..very hard (yes, that’s what she said, she also said ouch). Alas, it means I won’t even be able to slip one in at the end! No closing money shot just a limp and flaccid conclusion that fails to rise to the occasion. Obviously, going on the content of this post I might also struggle with the serious aspect too.😱😂😝

Write the most offensive blog post I can.

Yeah, I know what you are all thinking! That writing an offensive blog post should be easy for me and anyway, I had to have one obtainable goal on the list. Might as well end with it!👍

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