I’m going Troll hunting!!!!!

Welcome to The Tattooed Book Geek trolls the troll! I will warn you in advance that I wasn’t in the best of moods when I wrote this post and as such, it is strewn with profanity and sarcasm.

On Thursday afternoon I received a notification from Amazon UK about a comment that had been left on my Red Sister book review. When I looked at it, turns out that it had been a comment left by a pustule from the rear end of humanity, more commonly known as a troll. To say that I wasn’t impressed would be an understatement, I was fuming, I even considered taking up troll hunting as a hobby, I guess that with this post in a way I did.

I posted the comment and a link to the actual review on my blog FB page, Twitter and in a FB group (thanks to those who commented, I appreciate it). General consensus was that there’s nothing wrong with the review and that the guy is a jerk.

Over a day later on Friday evening, the comment was still playing on my mind (yeah, I overthink things that I know I shouldn’t bother with). Anyhow, I started debating writing a blog post as I needed to vent. I took a step back, thought it through, wrote the post and have then been thinking about whether to post it or not as being honest, it serves no purpose other than allowing me a platform to voice my opinion but I guess, if I can’t use my blog as a way to write my thoughts then what’s the point?! So, to borrow from Eminem ‘here’s my ten cents, my two cents are free‘ on the troll who trolled my review!

Onto the post, I mentioned troll hunting above, so……hunting trolls I go, hunting trolls I go, gonna burn them with sarcasm, hunting trolls I go! 🙂

Sssshhhh! Be very very quiet, I’m hunting trolls! They often hide, lurking out of sight, usually found in dark places, basements, cellars, abandoned houses, dumpsters, sheds, storage units, occasionally they will go outside and visit supermarkets (need to stock up on super noodles and tissues) and cafes (that weirdo in the corner winking at you, probably a troll). Mostly they are hidden from the outside world, preferring to keep themselves behind a screen, be it phone, tablet, laptop or PC, this is their camouflage, you can’t see them, they are invisible to us, only showing themselves when they decide to air their opinions and ‘troll’ people.

Wow, it takes a big person to hide behind a screen (yes, I’m fully aware I’m writing this on my blog, difference is, I say it how it is and I don’t need a screen to hide behind. I would gladly say anything that I write in this post or any other in real-life). Trolls, just so you know, opinions are like arseholes, we all have them, it doesn’t mean we need or want to see yours though!

Above you’ll see a screen print of the comment and below is the link to the review that the comment was aimed at. Please feel free to read the review and offer your thoughts.

• Red Sister by Mark Lawrence Book Review.

This is the actual troll comment:

You’re correct that detail is required for a review to be of any value, but some other attributes are also essential if it is to be worth reading. I didn’t read the entire review, in part because of the following sentence, which makes no sense:

“For committing a terrible crime against an heir to one of the wealthy and powerful families of Abeth in the defence of her friend, a small girl who to everyone else was beneath notice, someone deemed less than nothing, who should have been allowed to die at the hands of the rich with no recompense.”

Actually it isn’t a sentence: it has no main clause. I had to piece out the sense of it from the remainder of the paragraph, which is unnecessary work.

So, let me analyse, here’s where I doth my deerstalker hat a la Sherlock Holmes, pretend that I’m clever and not just a foul-mouthed delinquent.

– You have taken the start of my review and used it against me, twisting it to your vile means. I wrote “When I finished reading Red Sister, I updated Goodreads and wrote ‘wow, just pure freaking awesome’ but I’m guessing that sentence alone won’t cut it for a review and that you’ll want more, taskmasters that you are!” You twist that and inform me that I’m ‘correct‘ and that ‘detail is required‘. Lucky me, I just filled with pride when you told me that I’m correct, a warm fuzzy feeling inside, a glow that I couldn’t contain exploded in my heart, how gratifying it was! Tell me, could you not think of your own beginning? Did you have to twist mine because you were incapable of thinking of a start to your trolling? Sigh, originality Mr Troll, originality, but if we are taking other people’s words and using them to our own cause, then let me do it and paraphrase The Great One himself, The Brahma Bull, The Rock and tell you – Mr Troll, you take that beginning, you shine it up real nice, turn that sumbitch sideways, and stick it straight up your candy ass!

– Here’s the thing people, I don’t pertain to be good at grammar, I’m not, I suck at it, that dear readers is no secret as I’ve proclaimed it to you all enough. What I do is write from the heart, that is all. Mr Troll there was no need to get on your high horse simply because my sentence didn’t conform to your exacting standards of Nazi tyranny, you don’t conform to my standards of being a decent human, I guess that makes us even!

– In the comment you say that you didn’t read the entire review ‘in part’ due to the sentence that you ragged on (while it may not be a stereotypical sentence, we all write differently, that is how I chose to word my sentence, lilting, lyrical and poetic. Taken with the rest of the paragraph, which I’ll add was my brief overview of the story it made complete sense). So, that was the second paragraph, lots more of the review left after that that you ignored. Looking at your words does that mean then that you’d already decided not to read the whole review? You read the start, I assure you the rest of the review was good and well worth your time reading it, yet it sounds like you never intended on that!

– Lets look at this pearl of insight from Mr Troll “but some other attributes are also essential if it is to be worth reading” yes, it’s a valid point, but would you like to tell us all where then in your comment Mr Troll you actually tell us those other attributes? Oh that’s right, you don’t! So…..pointless and insubstantial! And so, the fact that you didn’t tell us makes your comment, in your own words “unnecessary work” as I then had to delve deeper into what you might deem those ‘essential attributes‘. Look, I can use phrases from your comment against you, does it make me big? Clever? Articulate? Eloquent? Verbose? Loquacious? No, it means I’m stooping to your low level and in this case, I accept that, I twisted your words, burn motherfucker! Scalding! See, if your gonna do it, do it with style and don’t pick on someone who majored in sarcasm!

– I was intrigued, call me nosey if you will but damn was I dying to know, I just had to find out what you deemed ‘essential attributes‘ and so I checked out your profile, as you neglected to tell me, I went searching, thinking to myself ‘well, Mr Troll must know what he’s talking about, I’ll go look at his reviews‘. I was sure I’d learn some long lost secrets, buried deep and hidden from the world within his words, I was searching for the holy grail of reviews, something that would bring enlightenment and peace to the world! Do you know what I found my friends when I travelled far and wide to compare my obviously crap review with the greatness of those by Mr Troll? I’ll tell you, diddly squat, sweet Fanny Adams, nadda, nothing, zilch, fuck all! You see, Mr Troll, omnipotent deity and know-it-all reviewer extraordinaire didn’t have any reviews on his Amazon profile, nothing at all! Well, colour me shocked! No substance, nothing to back up a damn word that you wrote, do we know what this means?! Let’s say it all together, drum roll please……TROLL!

Now Mr Troll don’t get grumpy, grouchy, moody, sad, miserable or pull out and play the damn PC card on me and above all ‘don’t you dare be sour’. You see, you started this, you trolled me, I’m merely repaying the favour and doing it back to you and your comment. The only difference between me and you is this and I’ll put it as simple as I possibly can so that even a troll like you can understand it “ug oggg oohh agg gggrrr nnnggg ggaaa” see, I can also speak troll, look at me Mum, I speak two languages, three if you count my fluent sarcasm aren’t you proud of your son! Now in English, I’m better at it than you! I would end this paragraph with my favourite DX saying ‘and if you’re not down with that I got 2 words for ya…….suck it!‘ But I wouldn’t want you to take it literally as trust me, I don’t want your dirty troll hands or your dirty troll mouth anywhere near me!

I bet your parents are so proud of you, taking up trolling as a hobby, congratulations, likewise do you have a girlfriend? Wife? Boyfriend? Husband? Because, wow, what a catch you are! Here I am, single and if you’ve got a partner, well, they are the luckiest person in the world, I’ll reiterate, what a catch, winning, score one for the sad freaks in life! Readers are you all jealous? Maybe you’d like to hook up with Mr Troll, let him show you a good time, flowers, chocolates, a nice meal by candlelight, a moonlight walk and then to end the night some low grade trolling of innocents! Well, my innocence died a long time ago, no need to hide simply on Amazon Mr Troll, you can find me right here on my blog The Tattooed Book Geek, come chat, lets debate, to quote John Cena ‘you want some, come get some‘ hell I’ll even buy some nuts for you to choke on! 😉

There might well be those amongst you, especially the people who have read some of my previous posts namely, An Open Letter to The Uninformed Masses and The Haters, An Open Letter To an Unnamed Author and Foul Language in Reviews, is it a turn-off? Those who have seen my rather blunt, unique and don’t give a shit attitude and you might be wondering why I’ve taken such umbrage at the comment when it’s such a miniscule and minor thing, or if you prefer my impolite version then, why it fucking pissed me off!

Well, simply put, there are two reasons, firstly, back in the long ago past, years and years away in a different lifetime little baby Tattooed Book Geek was bullied at school. Bullying in any form is wrong and trolling is a form of bullying, it is unacceptable, heinous and vile behaviour and I won’t stand for it happening to me (this post is my response, it’s my battle cry, stand up, say no to trolling). Beneath the sarcasm, the swearing and the bluntness, I’m just a simple person, shockingly with feelings, cut me and I bleed, like everyone else, I’m human and we shouldn’t have to deal with this shit in any form or way of life. And, secondly, I stand up for what I believe in and for others, I won’t let a troll no matter how small or insignificant (from small seeds blossom big trees) the comment they wrote get me down, I will stand and be counted on the side of the righteous, the holy and the just! – yeah, melodramatic but I have a flair for it! 🙂

At times I lack confidence, especially in my reviewing, each time I post a review it’s putting it out there to be read and critiqued and I question is it good enough. Likewise with the poetry I write, each piece posted is displaying part of my tortured and damaged soul to be read and seen.

I’m happy to do that and for both, critique it, be critical, tell me it sucks, tell me it’s bad, praise it, tell me it’s good, evocative of feeling, offer suggestions, do whatever you want but make sure it’s a valid point and to the those out there who pray on others don’t fucking troll it or me!

I’m personally feeling much better after my vitriolic, foul mouthed and expletive laden diatribe. Yes, I’m aware that I’ve gone against the grain of the saying ‘don’t feed the trolls‘ but it was cathartic to me writing this. Now I’m going to sit back, have a cup of tea and do some reading.

For you Mr Troll, well, for you and all the other trolls out there actually, I suggest this. Do us all a favour, fuck off back under your bridge, you jumped up loser, you are a sad pathetic excuse of a person, get a fucking life!

No trolls (sadly) were harmed in the making of this post.

Thanks for reading!

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